005: The view from halfway down.

I’m at my backyard setting some old clothes on fire, I pick up an old pair of jeans and hold it over the fire, the bottom slowly catches fire as smoke begins to seep out of the pockets and open holes. The first thought that comes to my mind is, “liar, liar pants on fire!” I take a picture to send to my friend.

I pause mid-way.

I suddenly remember she died 4 days ago.

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Exactly one week and four days ago today, I lost one of my closest friends.

For the longest time, I lived in denial hoping, waiting, waiting for her to reach out and say it was all a joke, a rumor someone had started.

On the funeral day, I hoped she would bang on the coffin lid and we would all realize we made a terrible mistake and she was just in a coma.

I waited. But she never showed up. Never texted. And here I am today, writing about a person that came into my life and took space in the past tense.

I’m at my backyard setting some old clothes on fire, I pick up an old jeans and hold it over the fire, the bottom slowly catches fire as smoke begin to seep out of pockets and open holes. The first thought that comes to my mind is, “liar, liar pants on fire” I take a picture to send to my friend.

I pause mid-way.

No one can really prepare you for how lonely you are about to get after your loved one passes, grief will sit you down and re-structure your schedule like a coach preparing for the World Cup, at your job, in-between conversations, at the market, anywhere as long as you are still existing.

I was having a conversation recently with someone and they told me, I was currently in stage one of grief.. That there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

While most leaned towards the

“oh they’re in a better place” “she has rested from the worlds trouble” and the quite popular one

“time will heal your wound”

While they all mean well, but how do you reduce a person you once spent 7 years of your life curating a life time of memories to stages, like some sort of stage play? How is she in a better place and I feel so much hurt in my heart?

Time doesn’t heal your wounds, it questions your sanity, your place in their life, why you were so oblivious to their pain. You begin to wonder where you went wrong.

Time teams up with grief and asks you really difficult questions and you feel an empty hollow in your chest, because some wounds? They do not wish to be healed. They want to be honored, felt deeply and remembered dearly.

Grief is not always going to be sadness. Sometimes, it’s going to be guilt…the rage you cannot explain, the smile you pause midway at because your person will not get to enjoy this humor…your joy suddenly feels like a betrayal.

But here is what I have learnt, time doesn’t heal wounds, God does and it’s okay to go to him with your why’s. Grief is love, it’s not weakness.

It’s a roaming love that cannot be channeled so it has to be carried, when I say her name, remember our baseless arguments, playful banter, creative exploits, push myself to do the things she had always pushed me to do. Stumble on her reposts on TikTok and likes on instagram, I am reminded of her sense of humor.

It’s not about breaking into the acceptance because after then what next? Reset and restart? I cannot move on from what was once a part of my routine, but I choose to move forward with her bold heart, audacious spirit and energetic soul. Her selflessness and love all of it! My heart may feel heavier right now but my grief is a prove that I still care about my person and love her.

Sometimes, though I let myself get lost in thoughts; of the times she called and I pretended not to see it, the messages I ignored because I was busy with my own life, the apologies I didn’t swallow my pride and just offer. I question the aura I exuded that made my friend hide her pain and only offer the parts of her she felt I could swallow, allow your friends to love you. It’s not fair that you laughed together and you make a decision to suffer silently, alone?

I have realized in the end though, no one really wants to leave, they don’t just know how to stay either.

☕️